OH Good Lord! I was out with my kid getting breakfast and I walked into the diner and looked around and I caught the eye of an attractive, age appropriate gentleman sitting in the back booth by himself…and the first thought I had was ‘there is nothing here for you.’
After a year of being home, visiting minimally with family and having meetings via Zoom and other social media platforms, being out and actually meeting new people…well, it has been a while. And being single through this has been a challenge. Having my faith, family and fortitude, I have persevered through maintaining connections using text, email and video calls.
However meeting anyone new stopped being a concern, so I put that on hold. And, it seems that staying in my comfort zone brought up old insecurities and fears. My mental body, unconscious part of me came up with a safety mechanism to keep me from triggering the old pattern of unworthiness: not deserving or able to receive love.
Thoughts that we have like the one I had in that split second of eye contact are unconscious ones. On that day, I realized I had been hearing that phrase in my head every time I was making eye contact with an attractive, age appropriate guy because of my deep seeded self-sabotage around meeting eligible men, being loved, or having any positive emotional experience.
UGH! During this past year, I have done a lot of work becoming conscious and healing this part of myself. I have been working on actually manifesting a new positive relationship experience. Realizing that in the past month, the phrase ‘there isn’t anything for you here’ had been coming up each time I was noticed was frustrating and maddening to say the least.
In being able to observe my thoughts, I caught this new self-sabotaging pattern that was emerging. But, where did it come from? So for me, struggling with self-worth has started very young. I did not feel seen or heard from a very young age and that contributed to my inability to be seen or heard for my gifts and talents as I became an adult. My mission became to help everyone else, make sure everyone else was safe and secure, and to give everything I had to make everyone else’s experience the best it could possibly be. I gave way to much of my energy, resources and myself to others. I became the ultimate people-pleaser.
For someone to see me as anything else is uncomfortable. It triggers my fear of not being good enough, pretty enough, societal standard enough, talented enough, quiet enough, _____________________fill in the blank enough.
Because I have been doing the work, to
Restore myself over this last three years or so, I have been able to quickly identify when I am back sliding into old behaviors and patterns that no longer serve me. We carry many traumas and dramas that take time and layers to heal. This made me stand up and take notice that I still have work to do in my Unworthiness wound.
- Staying present
- Observing your thoughts
- Being honest about why the thoughts are arising
- Don’t attach any negative emotion to the thought pattern
- Let the thought go when it arises
These patterns arise because your ‘ego’ is trying to keep you “safe,” unfortunately, its version of safe is the “same.” Where you have been, what your old patterns have been, not where you are going. Staying conscious and present to your thoughts will help you to keep moving forward and not allowing the self-sabotage to win!
Please look at my past blogs on Recognize, Release and Restore for more information on how I have learned to keep working through healing those parts of ourselves that need it.
And, always my Services tab will provide ways to work with me. Blessings, M xo