The sense of one’s own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect: self-worth as defined by Dictionary.com. Growing up this was not a concept I was familiar with or how impactful it was in my life, the not knowing what it was or how it was affecting me. I was an only child until the age of five. I was abused and neglected from my earliest memory. This would shape every relationship around me by acting one of two ways with people: being quiet or overly pleasing. Everyone liked me this way, but they did not know the real me. I learned to not get noticed by not speaking up and staying in the background, observing but not interacting. In being pleasing, everyone thought I was easy going and solicitous. I learned how to anticipate and fulfill needs so that everyone was happy and taken care of around me. I gave, I did, I was…what everyone wanted me to be: easy, quiet, helpful….never myself.
Internalizing my needs lead me to overeat and be depressed. I had dreams and wanted to be more than I was expected to be or do. I was only supported in what others felt would keep me in their expected realm. Because I had always played it safe and done what they wanted, breaking free and being me was not allowed. And to some extent, I did not know who I was. It would take years of searching and learning all the lessons most learn in their early years of human connection and relationship. I had been busy taking care of others that I had not figured anything out about myself. It would take decades to recoup those lost years of learning who I was and gaining any self-esteem.
I had no concept of self-worth…loving myself. I felt wrong. Never comfortable in my own skin. I was told I was loved. But I never felt it. I had been conditioned very early that my needs were not important and that stayed with me for a long time. That feeling of unworthiness was given to me by damaged parents and those feelings stayed with me and affected all of my decisions for decades. I did not feel respected for any decisions that I made from my support system. All of my life decisions were met with fear and very little support. My partners, my career, or any choice I made was scoffed at or met with minimal support with the fear that I would fail. And somewhere in me, I had internalized these expectations of failure due to the traumas I had experienced that reinforced the feelings of not deserving to achieve. The desire to achieve drove me to trying to reach my goals with everything in me, but always just missing the goal. Losing over and over again relationships, jobs, living situations, and cars; thereby reinforcing for others the idea that my decisions were always the wrong one. Not achieving the safety and security that I craved.
Recognizing were you internalized feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness may take work through therapeutic care, counseling or diving deep in you own story; and some may need past-life regression or some type of energy work to route out traumas that are buried deep in your sub-conscious. I have done all of it and it was through Integrated Energy Therapy that I received the most beneficial healing to my self-worth. Finding the self-love, respect and self-esteem that I never had. This is the hardest and most beneficial work that you can do for yourself. Learning how to love yourself will raise your vibrational frequency in a way that will begin you interacting in the Universe in a profound way. And, this will not allow you to spiral back to old patterns that kept you playing small or choosing situations that will hurt you.
You become part of the matrix of the Divine, God-Consciousness that is available to all. Manifesting your desires and achieving your goals, being happy is why we are here on planet Earth, to be happy and have a joy filled experience. Loving yourself for your talents and gifts takes healing and releasing any guilt associated with doing for yourself. Let go and let God. Be happy. Looks so different on the other side of trauma. I pray you get here. Blessings, M xo